List of Lists

(in no particular order unless stated otherwise)

Top Five Guitarists

  1. Clapton during his heroin years
  2. Carlos Santana
  3. Pete Townsend
  4. Hendrix during his "whatever-he-could-get" years
  5. Frank Zappa

Things My (Now) Twelve Year Old Can Do That Are Astounding!

  1. She can crack her knuckles in her toes!
  2. She can do a one handed cartwheel, hold a drink in one hand and not spill it!
  3. She can bend her thumb down to forearm!
  4. She can curl her tongue with two folds!
  5. Her elbows are double-jointed!
  6. She can sound like she is locked in a closet just by talking with her lips closed!

Reasons Parents Show Up In My Office With Complaints About Their Child

  1. They are not strict enough with their children.
  2. They are not strict enough with their teenagers.
  3. They try to be friends with their kids.
  4. They don’t have real authority over their kids.
  5. They have sought the approval of their children, and either succeeded or failed.

Helpful Grooming Tips For Men Over 35

  1. Trim any hair protruding outside of your nostrils.
  2. It is time to switch from briefs to boxers, if you haven’t already done so.
  3. Trim eyebrow hairs that are over an inch long.
  4. Fact: There are no viable comb-over techniques.
  5. And, of course, trim your ear hairs.

Blocks to experiencing feelings (in my opinion, not fact-based like the best TV show list)

  1. Male vs female  (males have a harder time with feelings)
  2. Smart vs. dumb  (smart folks have a harder time with feelings)
  3. Addiction  (people who are in addiction or in love with an addict/alcoholic have a harder time with feelings)
  4. Trauma  (experiencing a trauma makes it harder to truly experience feelings)
  5. Certain professions/jobs  (for example, accountants, defense attorneys and surgeons tend to attract people who are intellectually-based and not feeling-based)
  6. Cultural  (Brits, Germans and Irish, for example, have a harder time with feelings than some other cultures-I know, this is controversial)
  7. Dysfunctional family history  (if you grew up in a dysfunctional family you will have a harder time with feelings)

The Two Best Definitions of a Dysfunctional Family

  1. A family where you got too much of what you didn’t need and not enough of what you needed
  2. A family that contains two or more people

Best TV Shows Ever

  1. Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm
  2. ER
  3. Hill Street Blues
  4. Entourage
  5. Sopranos
  6. Flipper

Worst Parts of Fatherhood

  1. Getting up early in the morning.
  2. Getting up in the middle of the night.
  3. Bending over to get the children in and out of car seats.
  4. Battling to keep your weight under 300 pounds because you need to finish everything on your kid’s plate in order to not waste food and help save the environment.
  5. Trying to not curse in front of them.
  6. Having to put your kid on a men’s public bathroom toilet seat.

My Favorite Comedians

  1. Dave Attell
  2. Hannibal Burress
  3. Louis CK
  4. Dave Chappelle
  5. Greg Giraldo
  6. Anthony Jeselnek
  7. Demetri Martin
  8. Chris Rock
  9. Daniel Tosh
  10. Steven Wright

Honorable Mentions: Amy Shumer, Neal Brennan, Ritch Shydner, Nate Bargatze, Jake Johanson, Jim Norton, Mitch Hedberg, Kathleen Madigan, Conan O’Brian, Bill Burr, and Gilbert Gottfried. I am leaving out Richard Prior, Lenny Bruce, and George Carlin, however, they belong on the Mt. Rushmore of Comedians. Note: Great comedy is great philosophy. As my good friend Judd Apatow says, “Comedians help you de-code the world.”

My Favorite Therapists

  1. Murray Bowen
  2. Jay Haley
  3. Salvador Minuchin
  4. Virginia Satir
  5. Chloe Madanes
  6. J.L. Moreno
  7. Milton H. Erickson

George Costanza’s Jobs

  1. Rick Barr Properties – Real Estate Agent
  2. Sid’s Parking Services – Parking Attendant
  3. Pendant Publishing – Manuscript Reader
  4. Unemployed
  5. NBC – Sitcom Writer
  6. Specialty Models – Hand Model
  7. E.D. Granmont – Bra Salesman
  8. Sanalac – Sales Representative
  9. New York Yankees – Assistant to the Traveling Secretary
  10. Unemployed – The Summer of George
  11. Play Now Sports – Playground Equipment Sales Rep
  12. Costanza & Son – Computer Salesman
  13. Kruger Industrial Smoothing – Analyst
  14. NBC – Sitcom Writer
  15. The Susan Ross Foundation – Board Member

George Costanza’s Imaginary Jobs

  1. Vandelay Industries – Latex Salesman
  2. Playwright – off-Broadway play
  3. Marine Biologist
  4. Architect as “Art Vandelay” (designed the new addition to the Guggenheim)
  5. Importer/Exporter as “Art Corvelay”
  6. Porno Actor as “Buck Naked”
  7. Hen Supervisor for Tyler Chicken out of Little Rock, AR
  8. The Human Fund – Founder

Things Kids Do That Are Normal and Not Worthy of a Diagnosis

  1. They have lots of energy.
  2. They are curious.
  3. They make mistakes.
  4. They are self-centered.
  5. They have dramatic mood swings.
  6. They are impulsive.

How to be clean and sober:

  1. Stop drinking and/or do drugs
  2. Don’t change any thing else about yourself, cross your fingers and hope for instant happiness

How to be in recovery from addiction:

  1. Don’t drink or do drugs
  2. Go to meetings
  3. Have a sponsor
  4. Talk to the sponsor
  5. Have a list of numbers to call
  6. Call people in the program when in crisis
  7. Call people in the program when not in crisis
  8. Hang out with people in recovery
  9. Work on a specific step
  10. Have a home group
  11. Read the literature
  12. Listen to speakers via recordings
  13. Go to meetings early and stay late
  14. Change your playmates, playgrounds and playthings, if needed.  And it is usually needed
  15. Pray and meditate
  16. Pick up a chip
  17. Become honest with yourself
  18. Become honest with others
  19. Do service work
  20. Actively work on gaining more spirituality
  21. Reach out to newcomers
  22.  Sponsor somebody
  23. Go to conferences and workshops
  24. Work on other issues: nicotine, $, sex, food, TV, work, and anything else that blocks you from feelings/relationships/spirituality.

Things I have done for my (now 16 year old) daughter (in order from least annoying to most annoying)

  1. Went to an Arthur live show
  2. Went to a Barney live show
  3. Went to a Britney Spears “concert”
  4. Went to a Katy Perry concert
  5. Went to a Spice Girls concert
  6. Went to a Wiggles show (backstage passes, too, by the way)
  7. Went to a Cobra Starship/the Fray/Owl City/Justin Bieber concert
  8. Went to a Jonas Brothers/Hannah Montana concert

Reasons Why “Clubhouse AA” Meetings Are Not As Good As “Free-Standing” AA Meetings

  1. There is less “time” at clubhouse meetings
  2. There is more of a sense “I am here to socialize” vs. “I am here to get better”
  3. Which leads to the fact some clubhouse meetings are filled with people that don’t have much else to do
  4. There are more people with “sheets” that need to be signed. Nothing wrong with that, but that is a factor
  5. Chairpersons and discussion leaders sometimes don’t know what they are doing
  6. “Guru’s” love clubhouses. They ALWAYS share, they often repeat themselves, and they have 18 sponsees. I don’t want what they have

Best Stephen King Movie Adaptations (in ascending order)

       4. The Shining
       3. The Green Mile
       2. Stand By Me
       1. The Shawshank Redemption

History of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Which Psychiatry/Psychology/Drug Companies Use to Make Diagnoses

  1. First Edition (1918): 106 Disorders, 130 Pages
  2. Second Edition (1968): 182 Disorders, 134 Pages
  3. Third Edition (1980): 265 Disorders, 494 Pages
  4. Fourth Edition (1994): 374 Disorders, 880 Pages
  5. Fifth Edition (2013): 500 Disorders? 947 Pages

    Are there really that many new ways for people to act like there is something wrong with them, or, are the Pharmaceutical Companies really that good at politics?

The Best Bedtime Book To Read To A Child:

  1. Goodnight Gorilla